Keeping the Faith

You know that feeling when you leave a big test knowing you totally aced it, only to have it returned to you covered in red pen?

Or when you stay up late and don't do your homework because the weatherman literally promised that there would be a snow day, and not a flake of snow falls from the sky?

Or maybe when you were super excited because you had the most votes on your scholarship essay, and when you see an envelope in your mailbox from the Mayo Clinic, you tear it open because you are absolutely convinced that it is a letter declaring that you won...and then it's just a giant bill?

Yea, I'm there.

Friends, the truth is, you did your part and then some. As I said in my last post, you shared and emailed and liked and commented. You blew me away with your support and faith and thanks to you, on the last day of voting, I had the most votes by a landslide.

But the judges didn't pick me.

It's like being voted captain of the team and never leaving the bench.

I'd like to tell you that I brushed it off easily.
I'd like to tell you that I really didn't care that much.
I'd like to tell you that I hadn't already started a list of questions and specific items to address at the conference.

But I can't.

I was crushed. I might still be a little bit crushed.

[Ok fine, guilty as charged.]

Something inside of me was so sure that this was my chance to do something big. I just knew it.

Turns out digestion isn't the only area where my gut is lacking.

So it's certainly not the first time I've been kicked down a mountain I hoped to climb. And it's certainly not the first time I've been disappointed. But somehow this one dug just a little bit deeper and is taking a little bit longer to heal.

But if I have learned only one thing throughout this whole journey, it is that every kick down the mountain is an opportunity to learn. I have to have faith that my cards are playing out in a way that opens the doors for growth and experience.

I just have to.

Faith is a big word.
It means so many different things to so many people, and in my opinion, none of them are wrong. Faith is an extremely personal and reflective piece of our lives and it manifests itself differently in all of us.

And that's ok.

But for me, right now at this moment, faith is the foundation on which I stand. It is the hope in the unseen. It is my confident belief that though I may be disappointed, this is a chance for me to grow and learn and dive a little bit deeper into who I am. After all, unexpected as it may be, nothing can be lost by an opportunity to look a little farther into your inner workings and find out what really and truly lies at your core.

And although there are some days when it is really hard to keep the faith and it is really hard to breathe deep and know that greater things are ahead...I do my best.

Ironically, one of my favorite movie quotes is from the 2000 rom-com "Keeping the Faith," a true VHS classic. "The truth is you can never tell yourself there is only one thing you could be. You cannot make a real commitment unless you accept that it's a choice that you keep making again and again and again."

I was surprised.
And crushed.
And yes, maybe even a little bit bitter. [insert sheepish face here]

But what I do with those feelings is up to me, and I want to make the choice again and again and again to keep the faith. I want to be open to new experiences. I want to let the feeling of your amazing support rise above the stab of disappointment and pave a path towards opportunity.

So I'll do my best.

After all, I hear it's pretty chilly in Minnesota.

This Story is Not Over

Do you ever have those moments where you wonder how on earth you are going to describe a feeling, when you already know an adequate adjective doesn't even exist in the first place?

No?

Well I'm having one of those moments right now.

Friends, in short, I am blown away. 

Voting closes in a few hours (see my last post for details!) and there are goosebumps on my arms when I tell you that I never, in my wildest dreams, could have imagined the support that has come from every corner of the globe. I am beyond humbled and moved by your unwavering belief in me and regardless of the outcome, I will carry the warmth of your thoughts with me for many years to come.

And just so we're clear, I'm writing this post while under a blanket and wearing sweatpants, a fleece, and fuzzy slippers in August...so you can have it on good authority that those are 100% authentic emotional goosebumps.

Just in case you were skeptical of my rock-star status circulation. 

In other news, two weeks ago I cleaned out my classroom.

I had been dreading it for weeks. 

And there may or may not have been sappy country music songs on repeat during the drive to school, because you can't exactly prepare yourself to see seven years of teaching packed into brown boxes in a corner office.

But, truth be told?

It was kind of fun.

Ok fine. 

After a good friend arrived, and after I put on my Finding Nemo hat that just happened to be on the top of the pile, and after I started finding hilarious photos of my amazing students...then it was fun.

That really surprised me.

Over these last few months, I have spent so much time pondering how I would find closure and how I would really move on and how I would take the next step in my life...that I missed the fact that I already did.

The truth is that this story is not over.

Yes, I was forced to leave a career that I love, but I have a new one that continues to stretch and challenge me with each passing day.

Yes, I had to fight back tears when I ran into students who hugged me and asked when I could come back to school, but now I have clients who are showing me how to teach in a new way.

And yes, this is so very far from the life I imagined, but what a privilege it is to be part of this most unexpected journey.

So friends, from the very bottom of my heart, please accept my most sincere gratitude. Thank you for lifting my spirits, thank you for your unwavering support and dedication, and thank you for believing in me. 

Contest or no contest, I won't let you down.