THIS IS BIG.
I have it ALL figured out!
Ahem...
Aliens have taken over my body.
Yep.
Aliens.
The ones from space.
We can call them martians.
Although, Jupiter is really my favorite planet.
Jupiterians?
Regardless: ALIENS.
Think about it: It’s the only thing that makes sense!
Alien. Invasion.
What else would stump the medical community at large?
ALIENS.
I’ve basically taken it as truth at this point. I welcome you to join me.
Let’s be honest, it comes in handy!
Walk into the wall that I SWEAR wasn’t there a second ago?
Aliens.
Spend 99% of the day in some pattern of hive/rash/mast cell tie-dye?
Aliens.
Casually paralyze an occasional body part here and there?
Aliens.
Wake up in the middle of the night and can’t seem to feel the entire right side of my body?
Duh! Aliens.
Although, in fairness, at that particular moment it is more accurately, "Holy Cannoli!!!!!!! Oh...aliens."
And sometimes it's not so much “cannoli"…
[insert sheepish face here]
Seeing as I’ve been invaded by aliens, life is never boring.
Recently they surprised me with an alien blood clot.
They wanted me to have my very own Great Red Spot. How thoughtful!
Great Red Spot? Atmospheric storm on Jupiter's surface? Anyone??
Oh nerddom.
A few weeks ago, Mr. Restarting my Hard Drive and I went home for Passover and Easter. While home, I did a little “landscaping” in the basement. [Insert raucous cheers from my parents on reclaiming their living space]
Among letters and toys and notebooks and college acceptance letters, I came across the ever terrifying What’s Happening to my Body - Girls Edition.
It goes without saying that I
a)gasped
b)threw the book across the room as if it was contaminated (um, hello! puberty?!?! TERROR.)
and
c)crossed the room for a quick perusal for any chapters on aliens (once I stopped hyperventilating. Obviously.)
Friends.
There were NO alien chapters.
Weren’t even any alien pages!
(The book went, with haste, into the recycle pile. And then I thought about rainbows and horses. A lot.)
So there you have it. I have totally figured it out!
Undiagnosed disease,
undocumented situation,
unchartered waters,
and a bizarre 5th grade affinity for the planet Jupiter.
Call the press, and maybe NASA too.
I’ve figured it out.
