Making a choice

Blog friends, I need to get something off of my chest.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.


I'm actually not a super hero.
(But if I was, I would have a fantastically long silver sequined cape. Just so we are clear.)


Throughout this entire health journey, I have been blown away by the outpouring of support from my family, friends, and people who read this blog who I have never even met. Absolutely, positively blown away. I have kept every single card I have received and as cheesy as it may sound, I read through them at least once a week. All of them. And what gets me every time, what really fills me up to the brim with awestruck and blessed emotion, is your faith in me.

Please don't misunderstand, those cards and blog comments are what has kept me going on the rough days and I don't even have words to express my most sincere gratitude. But if someone were to read them out of context, they would think they belonged to a super hero. Someone who has literally leapt over skyscrapers, ended the unemployment crisis and casually found a cure for cancer...none of which I have done, and while I'm extraordinarily grateful for your words, I feel rather undeserving.

Here's the thing: I'm a positive person. I find the sunny side, it's just what I do. But regardless of my personality and regardless of the degree of hot-mess in which my health situation resides and regardless of the state of the current weather, I know that I have a choice. Every. Single. Day.

I could dwell on the negative. The obstacles and hardships that I didn't see coming, and even the ones that I did. I could easily spend my day filling up to the brim with all of the terrible things going on in the world or how I want a piece of pizza or how I think I'm coming down with a cold and the store was out of kleenex with lotion. It's painfully easy to find the negative, but honestly, that's just miserable.

Or I can find the positive. I can acknowledge the negative and move on. I can be grateful for what I have, instead of what I am missing.

I'm not saying this is easy, if it was easy, I would be wearing that fantastic silver sequined cape. All I'm saying is that it is a choice that I try to make.

I recently started a volunteer position at a therapeutic riding facility. I have been wanting to try a volunteer job for awhile and I finally got the "go ahead" from the medical powers that be, as long as it was only once a week. I just felt like there was no way for me to get a reading on how I was doing, without actually trying to do anything (crazy logic, I know).

So today I spent three hours surrounded by horses and helping people build their strength and self esteem. I loved every minute of it and felt fulfilled in a way that has been lacking, more than I even realized. I was complimented on my backpack (duh, I told you feeding-tube-wear was making a comeback!) and I came home covered in sweat and dirt, with black fingernails and a giant smile on my face.

After I semi-reluctantly showered away my horsey-stench and sat down to a gourmet lunch of yogurt, pureed carrots and bread, I will admit that I had a moment of negativity. I spent three blissful hours feeling useful and happy, only to come home feeling like I got run over by a giant semi. I hurt, and I was mad, and my lower lip may have been protruding.

But I got over it. Yes, I have been popping tylenol to deal with my raging fever and aching back and head. Yes, I may or may not have fallen asleep not one, not two, but three times during the formation of this blog...and yes, I had a fantastic day.

I'm not a super hero, not in the slightest, I'm just doing my best to make a choice.

Although that cape would really be fantastic...