Hurry up and Wait

Hurry up and wait.

Anyone who has ever spent any time in a hospital, or really any medical setting at all, understands the concept of hurry up and wait.

You wait for appointments. And tests. And results. And then for the appointment with a new specialty area that occurs because of the results from the test that was ordered by the doctor for whom you waited months for an appointment in the first place.

Hurry, skedaddle, rush.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.

In the medical world, you also wait for answers.

I'm still waiting.

Earlier this week I had a bilateral bone marrow biopsy. A procedure which involved 9 IV holes in my arms, 1 hole in my finger and 2 giant holes in my hip bones. Then I had an endoscopy, which involved 3 chunks removed from my esophagus and, frankly, a pretty sweet anesthesia induced nap.

In short, I look a bit like a road full of potholes.

Potholes which showed absolutely nothing.

I feel a bit like my disappointment can't be warranted. After all, I knew there was a high probability for negative test results.

But warranted or not, I was still hoping. Not even for a diagnosis, but at least for a clue. Something to lead me in the right direction. To reopen my proverbial case and reorient my compass.

Zilch.

Where's Dr. House when you need him?
[I'd be ok with waking up from anesthesia to Hugh Laurie. Just saying.]

So now I'm back to waiting. I'll wait the necessary off-medicine 10 weeks before I have my blood drawn again to see if it will show anything fabulous and exciting. And I'll go through the grand dog and pony show of acquiring dry ice again for said blood extraction. And then, just for a change of pace, I'll wait.

It's funny how the moments you want to get here seem to take waiting to a new level, and the moments you want nothing to do with seem to appear out of thin air.

This morning I woke up and realized it was May 16th. Two days past May 14th.

Um, just how much anesthesia did they give her this week??

May 14th, 2013 seemed like a day that was SO far away when it was first mentioned to me as a deadline. It was a deadline that I never thought I would need to know, because never in my wildest dreams did I think it would apply to me.

May 14th, 2013 is the day that I lost my position at my beloved elementary school.

When I first transitioned into long term disability, I never thought I would stay on it through the deadline. It was supposed to be temporary, just a time to rest and heal. I never thought that I wouldn't return to my home and school family of 7 years. It never even crossed my mind.

I never thought there would be a day when someone would ask me what I do and I would have to pause...because I'm not entirely sure of the answer.

I have to believe that my body is guiding me on a journey that will ultimately lead to new discoveries - both for myself and others in my field of medical mysteries. I have to believe that my decision to go back to school and pursue the field of holistic health was my opportunity to make a change in the midst of chaos and use my experience to help others follow their own path.

As tough as these past few weeks have been, both physically and mentally, I have to believe that this journey is leading me somewhere, as long as I have the patience and perseverance enough to follow.

So I'm going to hurry up and help my body heal the potholes.
I'm going to pack up my bags and head home to hug my husband, my bed and my juicer.
And then with open ears and a battle-worn heart, I will wait.