Myth Busters - Medical Edition

Friends, it’s February.

Actually, let me rephrase - it’s February?

I’m not entirely sure how that happened. January started all nice and tame, then slowly started spinning a bit, then suddenly whirling around in circles, and then somehow the darn (putting it nicely) groundhog declared 6 more weeks of winter and it’s a new month. Whew. 

Also, that groundhog is suuuuuuper lucky we don’t live closer. We would have words. WORDS I tell you. 

In any event, you know that show Myth Busters? I think there needs to be a medical version. Ya know, instead of Law and Order SVU, it's Myth Busters - Medical Edition. 

Let's give it a try: Episode 1

ACTION!

Myth #1 - Removing an organ removes the challenges associated with said organ. 

False.

False I say! 

My darling little thyroid left for greener pastures in 2012...and has been haunting me ever since. How an organ likely sitting in a jar somewhere in Minnesota can continue to wreak such havoc is unknown to me, but let me assure you - there is a future sci fi movie there. 

(Dibs on a cut of the film...because it's clearly going to be a blockbuster)

In any event, when you remove an essential organ, you remove the offending cancer (always a fabulous thing) and you sign yourself up for a lifetime of taking pills to replace the organ's role in your body.  Seems like a good time to point out that your thyroid is like the administrative assistant of your body - the bigger organs think they are important, but really the thyroid runs the show, and controls every single system in your body. Usually over time you find a dose that works, and save for considerable weight gain, weight loss, or hormonal changes, that dose stabilizes for awhile. Unless the word "stable" is in no way shape or form part of your vernacular, in which case you have yet to go longer than 4 months before needing a dose adjustment. Most recently I crushed the record by going from stable to reaaaaaaaaally over-active in a matter of 6 weeks. 

Crushed it. 

In fact, as I was waiting around for my call from Guinness to confirm my record, I got a call from my endocrinologist. 

"What on earth did you do over the holidays??"

Ummm...watched "A Muppet Family Christmas"???

(Duh.)

Evidently there is a lot of testing involved in confirming my record for Guinness. You see, they are so fascinated by my superior skills, that they want to take a closer look at my brain...ya know, to prepare images for the Endocrinological Hall of Fame, I'm sure. 

Which leads me to Myth #2:

An MRI-compatible pacemaker means you can easily get an MRI. 

Lies. All lies. 

Do you need any contact information for any of the radiology departments in the area? And by the area - I mean within 100 miles of my home?

Don't fret, I have that info. Because I have called them. ALL of them. 

In fact, people are so intimidated by the celebrity that is Penelope the Pacemaker, that I called 18 hospitals before someone was willing to accept my bundle of heart thumping joy. 

Yes...EIGHTEEN. 

Take note - Phyllis at #4 is grumpy in the mornings, Dionne at #11 just became a grandmother, and Simon at #16 has never heard of MRI-compatible pacemakers. Good to know. 

That little symbol on the prestigious membership card for the pacemaker club? Ya know, the one that says "MRI" with a big triangle around it?

Yes. That means I can get an MRI. An MRI on a machine that is made for my brand of pacemaker. Team Biotronik, baby - evidently we are small and (here's hoping) mighty. 

Penelope is such a diamond in the rough, obviously, that people don't plan to see her so often. I suppose they have to mentally prepare for her brilliance...and mourn her lack of bedazzlement. So much so, that my appointment to marvel at my brain is in...

(Wait for it)

April

In...

(Wait a bit longer)

Baltimore. 

I do hope Guinness doesn't have a time limit or same-state requirement for record confirmation. 

Myth #3 - Inserting a pacemaker named Penelope into your body means your heart will be regulated. 

False. 

In fact, Penelope is so popular that she has been summoned by the cardiologist nearly every week since October. 

(Baking them muffins was my first mistake.)

My body has found a way to play games with Penelope - usually taking the form of a pulse of 135 at 2:00 in the morning, or my yoga teacher scraping me off the mat (thank you to the creators of the yoga mat for providing a somewhat squishy surface for my ever so graceful landing). 

Hmph. A bit of hazing to the newbie robot-organ, perhaps? Coupled by the ghost of thyroid past?

Myth #4 - When your cardiologist wants to bedazzle you with an event monitor for two weeks, it actually happens

Debunked. 

Similar to, say, concert tickets and college acceptance letters, event monitors have a wait list. 

A several week long wait list...!?

In fact, this week when I placed my weekly "just want to be sure I'm still on the list" call, it was "kindly" explained to me that "there is a very long list with an unknown amount of wait time."

Roger that.

I mean, Penelope is cool, I get it. I just didn't know she was such a trendsetter. I guess the real question is who wouldn't want to record every funny heart rhythm for two weeks?

Myth #5 - When your husband's team wins the Super Bowl, and it appears as though there has been a volcanic eruption 20 seconds prior to the end of the game, you will be glad you have a pacemaker. 

True. 

This one, my friends, is true. 

Aaaaaand SCENE! That's a wrap.