Keeping the Goal Alive...?

My goal for 2015 was to stay out of the Operating Room.

Well. I made it to March 23rd?

2 months and 23 days, baby! WOOOOO!!! 

(Sarcasm)

BUT.

I’ve decided this surgery doesn’t count as breaking my goal. 

And I make the rules, so ya know, yea…totally doesn’t count.

Reason #1: This was a test, not a repair.

On Monday I had a muscle biopsy of my left bicep. This test has come up for 4 consecutive years, but the medical community has never been sure enough to warrant the procedure. A muscle biopsy is done to diagnose neuromuscular disorders (specifically, in my case, mitochondrial disorders), infections that affect the muscle, and other abnormalities in the muscle tissue. After it came up for the fourth year in a row, by the 23049820398th medical provider, my internist decided it was time to check it off my medical bucket list.

So see…it was a test, not a repair. Totally doesn’t count.

Reason #2: I didn’t go under general anesthesia

And let me just say, rolling out of the hospital 45 minutes after the surgery ended is fairly glorious. In fact, I even made it the full hour and a half home from Hopkins before the numbing medication wore off. Booyea/OW.

On the other hand, I wouldn’t have turned down an option to maybe, ya know, NOT remember the feeling of chunks of my bicep being removed from my arm. A little colonoscopy twilight, anyone?

Just saying.

(No really)

Reason #3: What was removed will, in theory, grow back

After the four specimens of my “bulging bicep" were passed over my surgically-draped body to the pathologist, he asked me if I wanted to see them.

Obviously I said yes.

Moments later I found it extraordinarily crucial to turn to my surgeon, who was sewing up my arm, and ask if our bodies work like worms.

To which she paused, laughed, and said, “Clearly you were an elementary school teacher. And yes, the muscle will regenerate."

And for that I will send an extra hearty gratitude to the power of the human body, because let me just say (with respect to those of you with a weak stomach), the specimens were not small.

No really. It’s a wonder my entire upper arm is not missing.

Although, now that I think about it, my upper arm is still under a giant pressure bandage and hidden in a sling….

Gulp...

In other news, I’m pretty good at this arm-in-a-sling situation. In fact, this entire blog post was typed with my right hand, while my left hand is celebrating Halloween a bit early by dressing up as a pufferfish. I also got dressed all by myself today! It’s almost like I just had surgery a few months ago, or something. 

Weird.

So...see?
I told you this surgery didn't break my goal of staying out of the Operating Room.
As you can clearly see from Reasons #1-3, the goal is still alive.

Obviously.

Whatever people, I make the rules.