Using Passion to Find Your Purpose

Dear Readers,

In February of 2011, my world was rocked forever by an unexpected diagnosis. Now I know it was only the tip of the iceberg, and 7 years later I want to honor this anniversary with a rarely-told story of how my business, Hatch Health and Happiness came to be. Included below is an excerpt from this month's newsletter, which can also be read here.

May you never stop looking for your passion, my friends. 

Lydia 

In February, we are surrounded by images of passion and thoughts of love – bright red hearts, cupid balloons and chocolate roses are practically overflowing out of every aisle at the grocery store. But the truth is, passion can come in many forms, and in this month’s special edition of the Hatch Health and Happiness newsletter, we are talking about the power of pursuing your passion. In sticking with this theme, I’ve decided to walk you into a more personal and vulnerable chapter of my world that I have rarely spoken about, and how it fueled my personal passion for helping others to heal.

In 2011, I was diagnosed with gastroparesis (among many other things). I was handed a single-sided, over-photocopied piece of paper telling me to eat exclusively chicken broth, Ensure, Carnation Instant Breakfast, and mashed potatoes. That’s it. I remember sitting in the car after the appointment and just staring at this piece of paper that had come from a very reputable doctor whom I respect very much. This is going to be my life? Forever?

It’s hard to believe now, but I did what so many do, and what I am guessing many of my readers can relate to – as ridiculous as it seemed, I followed the doctor’s orders. When you are so sick and desperate to get better, you’ll do or try nearly anything – even when it seems preposterous – because maybe, just maybe, it will work.

So I did. I followed that “diet” with the addition of egg whites and white bread, and shocker, lost 32 pounds in 6 months and was diagnosed as “failure to thrive.” Mere months after receiving that piece of paper, I was lying in a hospital bed following complications from feeding tube surgery. I was blue, freezing, and the new owner of a frontal tail at age 27.

I began the painstaking process of trying to gain weight while eating next to nothing and pumping my body full of cans of grossly processed formula that it rejected with alarming speed. I was supposed to try and eat more, but everything made me sick and nothing at all felt “safe.” Food became a huge source of fear – a stress that only further slowed down my very delayed stomach. I was putting on my pants with safety pins to try to keep them from falling down and was so weak and tired that it was hard to walk up the stairs.

And yet, despite it all, I vividly remember the first time it happened. I was walking down the hall of my school and a parent of a former student greeted me and exclaimed, “WOW! You look fabulous! You should have done this years ago!”

Obviously, she had no idea why I had lost the weight.

Obviously, she NEVER meant to hurt me.

But I was floored. My coworker and I glanced at each other with uneasy smiles.

And the words stuck.

Was this purple-hued, frontal-tailed body what makes me look “fabulous?” 

I knew that I was dangerously underweight. I knew that I was never overweight in the first place. I now knew that “failure to thrive” wasn’t just reserved for babies. But I’m also human. And I had to work hard to swallow that comment down and keep pumping myself with formula, and forcing down food, day in and day out.

And it happened again. And again. And again.

One person went so far as to say that she wished she had gastroparesis so she could lose the weight, too.

I crawled my way back to a healthy weight with daily weigh-ins, food recording, and more feeding tube complications than I can begin to describe (hello exploding feeding tube in the Minnesota airport bathroom…), all the while fighting the demons of the complete loss of my self-confidence and body image. All the while trying to convince myself that food was not “bad” – both for my mind and my body. All the while relearning how and what to eat to maintain my health.

Years later, when I met with a new doctor who was thoroughly flabbergasted by my case, she proclaimed “Well, I guess my best recommendation is to lose 20-30 pounds, so when your muscles continue to weaken you have less to carry around.”

Yep.

Knowing my full medical history, she asked me to lose all of the weight I had worked so hard to gain. And just like that, I was back in the trenches fighting the demons that may always be a part of my story.

I, like many people with allergies, autoimmune disease, and digestive disorders, follow a very regimented diet. In a nutshell, I am a gluten/dairy/soy/legume/mostly grain-free low-residue pescatarian (say THAT five times fast). I follow this plan because it is the lifestyle that I have learned through YEARS of trial and error works best for my body. It isn’t easy to go out to eat and I may never have the luxury of picking up a bite when I’m too tired to cook. I may always be the girl with a lunchbox at bridal showers and birthday parties. I still challenge myself to re-try things every once in a while, to both test the waters and to remind myself that food is meant for nourishment, not harm, and that no matter how sick it makes me feel, that feeling will fade eventually – it’s not forever. I don’t try things because I have to, I try things because I GET to – the choice to heal on my own terms has been, and always will be, mine and mine alone.

My clients will tell you that I adamantly refuse to label something as “good” or “bad” (much to their disappointment). If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard, “Is this food good or bad?” I’d be a very wealthy woman. Categorizing something that has the potential to nourish our bodies and minds as good or bad is detrimental to our psyche, and it fills us with hugely unnecessary guilt and shame. Even in the case of an allergy or Celiac disease, the offending food isn’t good or bad – it’s just not right for you. What makes one client feel full of light and energy can make another one feel sluggish and terrible – diet and lifestyle are hugely bio-individual.

This is why I do what I do. This is why I’m passionate that my clients learn that food is a good and wonderful thing that we NEED to nourish our bodies and our minds. This is why I’m passionate in teaching my clients with alternative diets about new and exciting ways to not just eat, but to ENJOY food again. I have to remind myself every day that food is not something to fight. I have to remind myself every day that the weight I worked SO hard to put on is not a sign of weakness or failure, but rather a sign of strength. When people no longer compliment me on how I look, I have to remember that it’s because I look healthy – normal even. Like all chronic conditions, my gastroparesis symptoms are infinitely less severe when I do everything I can to manage my stress – and that means facing my demons head-on every day. I cannot run and hide if I want to live a life where I thrive – and help others to do the same. I am passionate, because I have walked this road every step of the way myself, and seen firsthand the damage that an extremely restricted diet can cause. I will walk that road the rest of my life and hope to always passionately help others walk their own road. 

See you on the trail, friends.

  

To Love and Be Loved

I was raised in an interfaith home.

I don’t mention this as an aside. 

I mention it because it is one of the cornerstones of my childhood.

And that’s saying something, as I was lucky enough to have a pretty damn amazing childhood.

Not only are my parents different religions, but they are both very involved in their communities of faith. My mom serves on the vestry at church and my dad is treasurer of the temple. They socialize with each other’s respective faith group and compare notes after Thursday night meetings, often laughing at the similarities of the discussions. 

Several years ago when my mom was in the hospital recovering from surgery, a nurse poked her head in the room and confusedly explained that her rabbi was there for a visit…confusedly, because my mom’s minister had left about five minutes prior.

I had the privilege of growing up in a home where tolerance and respect for our differences didn’t have to be taught - it was a given. It was the only way I knew.

My brother and I were baptized and confirmed in the Episcopal church, where we spent most Sunday mornings, performed in the Christmas pageants and sang in the choir. We also lit the candles at Hannukah, attended services at temple on the High Holy Days and participated in Passover seders long before we were old enough to remember. (In case you were wondering what happens when you give a baby a whole lot of matzah washed down with a whole lot of apple juice - it ain’t good). We showed the same enthusiasm for finding the afikoman that we did for finding our Easter baskets.

It never occurred to me that this was “weird” or “different.” It was all I knew. It was the same for many of my friends. And as such, I didn’t value it for what it was at the time - it was just normal. It was my normal.

Then I went to away to college where I got a harsh dose of reality that quickly showed me that my little interfaith bubble of tolerance and respect was just that - a bubble.

My freshman year I wrote about my interfaith upbringing for an English class, and a classmate told me (rather matter-of-factly, I might add), that I was the spawn of the devil.

That’s right.

Because my parents are different religions.

Obviously.

There were many more experiences like this one. Both in college, grad school, and beyond. Each one opened my eyes further and showed me what a rare gift I have. I am beyond grateful for my interfaith upbringing and the perspective on the world that it has allowed.

And I have to tell you. The world makes my heart hurt a bit right now.

I don’t understand the seemingly ceaseless string of hate and anger and the resulting hurt and suffering, due in large part to an intolerance of our differences.

Regardless of our race, religion, sexual orientation, gender, family structure, favorite color or what you had for dinner last night, we are all human. We have far more in common than we have different. 

We want to love and be loved.

We want to see those who matter the most to us love and be loved.

We want a dry place to lay our head at night. 

We make mistakes.

We grow.

We change.

We learn.

We adjust.

We love.

And through it all, we remain human. 

Unfailingly, imperfectly human.

All of us.

“In writing it down you realize, love is not a tragedy or a failure, but a gift…that nothing in this world is deserved except for love. That love is how you become a person and why.” - John Green Turtles All the Way Down 

Hello, blank page

Hello blank page. 

It has been a long time. 

A really long time. 

To be honest I can't really explain my absence. 

I have a few theories, but I don't know for sure. 

What I do know is that life got so very heavy. 

Not just my life, but our lives. 

Turning on the news has turned into a downright traumatic experience.

All of a sudden, a foot I fractured by walking (mad skills over here), recurrent blood clots (Hasta la vista Carlos the Clot #1-6) and having myofascial release therapy UP MY NOSE seem like worthless minutiae. 

(Ok maybe not the nose story. I mean, someone put their ENTIRE finger up my nose. On purpose. So there’s that.)

It all just feels a bit much.

Highly sensitive creature that I am, my heart feels like it doubled in weight.

And I stopped writing.

It's not that I didn't try - I have countless starts in random notes and post-its - but mostly I sat paralyzed staring at a blank screen.

What could I possibly say that would actually matter?

I want it to matter.

And feelings are scary. 

Writing about them makes them real.

Real feels scary these days.

I far prefer the world of unicorns and avocado toast raining from the sky.

(Side note - how convenient would that horn be for spearing slices of toast?! GENIUS).

But, here we are. Not a unicorn in sight.

I know I want to write, that I need to write. 

I have a lot to say, when I'm ready.

It’s time to feel it all.

It’s time to write it all.

Hello, blank page.

I’ve missed you, but I'll be back soon. 

Addressing My Elephant

I’d like to start by addressing the elephant in the room:

I’m ashamed to write this post.

Mortified, really. 

I thought about not writing it at all.

Or writing it but not posting it.

But, that felt fake and false and a little bit like lying.

When I started writing this blog, so many years ago, I committed to sharing the truth of my life - and that meant not just the good parts or the funny parts. That meant all of it.

So here we are.

Deep breath.

Friends, this year has been hard. 

Quite possibly the hardest of my 34 years of life. 

And I have been racking my brain trying to figure out why. I just needed to understand. I like to fix things. I thought if I could identify what was going on, I could fix it. 

Turns out that doesn’t work so well. 

Nothing has happened.

I don’t have one event or specific life experience to blame.

So I told myself to buck up and get over it. I tried to ignore this gnawing, unfamiliar emotion that kept bubbling to the surface, hoping that if I waited long enough it would just go away. 

It didn’t.

And one day while driving to my 9 millionth appointment, exhausted and twisting in pain, it dawned on me like a punch in the gut.

I finally understood. 

I’m angry.

I’m so very, deeply angry.

I’m angry that I’m 34 years old, childless and broke.

I’m angry that my husband is living this life because of ME.

I’m angry that my family and my husband's family have the burden of…well…me.

I’m furious that when people ask me what I’ve been up to, waiting to hear about hobbies or trips or projects, my answer is that I’ve spent the past 6 months getting rid of a collection of blood clots. 

(Hasta la vista Carlos the Clot Sr, Jr. and III…please don’t send any more descendants.)

I’m angry that life has forced me to leave the job and community I loved, and now I work by myself day after day after day. I’m a pack animal, friends. I’m not a lone wolf.

I’m angry that I spend nearly every last ounce of my energy just getting through the monotony of the day, leaving next to nothing for anything remotely looking like fun or adventure.

In a few weeks, I’ll watch my husband and my friends run a half marathon that I ran years ago, and I’ll cheer my face off. I’ll hand off water bottles and yell encouragement and mean every word. But I won’t be running with them, I’ll be standing alone on the sidelines. And I hate that.

More than anything, I’m so angry that I’m angry. I’m ashamed to be angry while surrounded by so much goodness and love and unwavering support in my life. I feel like a giant hypocrite to have so much for which I am so incredibly grateful, and yet to boil beneath the surface. 

I know anger is a very normal and expected part of grief, and I would be lying if I said I hadn’t had flitting moments of anger over the years. But I can honestly say that I’ve never felt like this. This is the part of chronic, progressive illness that you don’t hear about. Where you work and work and work to be as healthy as humanly possible, and yet the realization that you may never do more than simply get through the day for the rest of your life falls over you like the heaviest of veils. 

Anger makes me uncomfortable. It always has. 
To say I am conflict-averse, is to confirm that the Pope is, in fact, Catholic. 

I’m not an angry person, I want desperately to jump out of my own skin and sprint from the scene of the jump.

I want to shed this layer of lonely ugliness. 

But I can’t.

I’m stuck here, alone with my anger.

Always, always alone.

And it won’t go away.

I have pondered what to do. 

I cannot change what is, no matter how desperately I want to.

So what can I change? My attitude?

Can I smiley face and sticker and cupcake my way out of anger?

No, I don’t think that’s how it works.

PSA: Despite the current state of affairs in the hot mess that lies beneath my skull, my affinity for all things cupcakes and puppies and horses and avocados and mountains and The Ellen Show, has not waned. Fear not.

So…what do I do?

If I cannot change my life and I cannot change my attitude and I cannot change who I am as a person…what happens then?

What do I need to fix?

What CAN I fix?

What if I can’t fix…anything?

What if I’m just…angry?

What then?

Do I just need to be...angry?

Can I be both angry and grateful? Can I continue to take notice of the multitude of goodness that surrounds me, all while steaming in frustration?

Maybe, just maybe, if rather than hiding from it, if I ride in the front seat of this anger, I’ll discover what I have been so desperately searching for all along- something to pull me out of the pool and stop treading water. Something to open up a life that is more than “just okay.” I’ve written about this a lot over the last year, each time convinced that I was ready to make and be the change. This anger is a roadblock that I didn’t expect, but it is one I must endure, and may just teach me the most meaningful lesson of all of this - that it’s okay to not be okay.

But...

I’m not there yet.

I’m still angry.

I’m still angry that I’m angry.

I’m still ashamed.
But I’ll persist, until someday I’m not.

I’ll persist because at the end of the day, that is my only option. 

I believe there is more out there for me - more than just a life of solitary monotony - and maybe I NEED to be both grateful and angry in order to move forward. 

I can be angry. I can be downright furious. But, I can persist.

So I will.

The Next Chapter

Hello, 2017.
Hard to believe you're here.
Not going to lie, I am more wary of what you have to offer than I have ever been in my entire life.
And yet...here we are.

I have been trying to write out my thoughts for weeks now - months really, but it has felt like the most intense game of "whack-a-mole," throwing a sentence at the page here and there in hopes of them all magically coming together. As if I was playing the most epic game of Mad Libs.

Recently, I finally found time to sit down and really write...only because I was sidelined with the flu and missing a much anticipated life-planning workshop.

The irony is not lost on me.

The end of 2016 took a turn for the chaotic, but the break in writing is bigger than that. Something broke last year. Not a bone that needs time to mend or a wound that can be fixed with stitches. There wasn't one sudden accident or moment of klutzy behavior that turned into a medical bill. This break was a slow, gradual splintering. So snail-like, in fact, that it took me quite some time to figure out it was broken in the first place. Like fragile petals of a complex rose, the pieces fell off one by one, until all of a sudden, it was no longer a rose.

As I draw closer to the 7 year anniversary of my driven, energetic self taking an unexpected turn from the race course to the couch, I think my petals may have all but fallen off.

And I feel bare, confused, and unexpectedly fragile.

As the years have soldiered on, it has become harder and harder to tread water. After a while, my legs just can't egg-beater kick in the same place much longer - they are tired of spinning in circles, all while never moving an inch, and looking at the same thing day after day after day after day.

For whatever reason, be it age, or the state of the country, or the circling of the cosmos (cough cough, probably the state of the country), 2016 was a year of thought. Deep, honest, at times soul-crushing introspection, that brought my typically even-keeled self to tears.

I'm not a crier, so this was more than a little bewildering to me, but I'm learning that these weird rivulets of water that sporadically appear on my cheeks can be cathartic, and even revealing.

Turns out my tears are not for what I have lost, rather they are because I AM lost. Somewhere in the midst of being a medical and genetic anomaly, my identity drifted further and further away from my desperately kicking legs.

And friends, after much cogitation, and yes, perhaps a few tears, I think it's time to stop treading water and get out of the damn pool.

Like a shattered mug, you can only glue it together so many times before it changes into a pen holder on your desk. The pieces are the same, but it serves a new purpose. It started as one thing, but surprisingly changed to something else.

I am not the same person I was 7 years ago.
I've changed.
I've changed in ways I never could have imagined or expected.
The elements of life that were my defining characteristics have spent years on the hold list, and I think it's time to move them into the archives and check out something new.

Someone recently asked me what I liked to do for fun. I froze. As I stammered out something probably incomprehensible, my mind was spinning with the fact that I have NO idea how to answer that question.

Uhhhh, cook food that I don't eat? Attend my husband and friends' races and events? Add items to the grocery list while wearing athlesiure??

This narrative is mine. I didn't choose it, but I get to write it, and treading water with the same stagnant hopes and dreams is a pretty boring story.

Several years ago, during a particularly challenging time medically, a friend gave me a bracelet that reads "Be Brave." While deeply appreciated and thoughtful, the truth is that getting through medical times doesn't seem brave to me. If I have to have surgery, I do it and follow the necessary steps to recover. If I end up sidelined by a new malfunctioning body part, I take time to adapt and heal the best I can. It's not brave, it's just doing what needs to be done, even when it's not easy. I can follow a do and don't list like my life depends on it...because it does.

But getting out of the pool and facing the fact that I am never going back to the life I left, in any way, shape, or form? Standing up for what I believe in for myself and for my country? Looking at the world through tired lenses, and realizing that if I want change, it has to come from me?

That, my friends, is hard. I need a whole lot of brave there.

My furry sidekick recently hurt his toe, so much so that he couldn't put any weight on it for a while. He never cried or sulked, he merely switched from running around on 4 paws to running around on 3. He didn't give a second thought to resuming his life without the use of one of his toes, he just got up and kept on living (all while his parents frantically tried to keep him "quiet.") Who knew a 7-month-old puppy could be so wise?

I don't know what comes next, for me or for my country, but I know that it's up to me to find out. The choice is, and always has been, mine. It's time to stop waiting and time to start doing. If I want to find a new passion, I must be passionate in my pursuit to find it.

(Though let's be clear that underwater basketweaving better be done in warm water or I'm out of there.)

I know that if I want my world to be light, I have to be the light, and bring the light, and share the light. I cannot expect it to come to me. Even when it's hard.

Especially when it's hard.

It's time to get out of the pool, friends.
I've got another chapter to write.

Be the light.
Be brave.

The In-Between

Hello, blank page. 

I know, it's been awhile. 

I have both desperately craved and strictly avoided you, knowing I needed to write and terrified of what may come out. 

What if it's all the same? What do I do if I come here to write only to acknowledge that nothing has changed at all?

What happens then?

Fall used to mean new shoes and pencils and shiny, happy students.

Somehow it has morphed into surprise surgeries, never ending GI treatments, and heart-lurching loneliness...and every year, it surprises me. 

What if the world knew that while there are people frolicking through apple orchards in flannel shirts and happily gulping down pumpkin-spice-everything with wild abandon, all I can think is "please please let's just get this over with before something else breaks?"

What if they knew that every year is harder, not easier, and that with every year of lasting permanence, it becomes more difficult and bitter to swallow? 

And why, why, WHY for the love of cinnamon buns and ponies, can't I just get over it?

It's embarrassing. 

Every year as the march towards September soldiers on, the dread settles upon me like a lead blanket. I am unable to hold my generally emotionally-stable self together. I don't even know this person, and I certainly don’t like her.

What if people knew? What would they think of me? 

What if they knew that when they ask how I am and I say that I'm okay, I really mean that I'm not really good, but I'm certainly not bad and I'm just stuck, forever stuck, in the in-between of "just okay?"

What if I am always here? In this place where some days I can't get off the couch and other days I go for a walk in the sunshine, and some days I am stuck in the bathroom and others I read a book and miraculously remember it, and most days I hold myself together just long enough to get to every item on the calendar before I fall apart into a heap. 

What if…that’s it?

What if being okay is all there is for me?

Can I be happy in the okay? Can I be content to just keep swimming and hold my head above water?

Is being just okay…okay?

Having an invisible chronic illness is like living your life permanently on the sidelines. You look fine, you act fine, you generally show up to normal life-in-your-30’s events, but thats’s all - you’re just kinda there. You have little to talk about, not much to contribute, no race to run - or at the very least, that's what it feels like.

It's like being benched at the game you have waited your whole life to play. 

For six long years I have swum upstream against the ever-changing current of the in-between, trying desperately to get around the river bend. 

(Note to self: just how DID Pocahontas do it?)

I have watched the world continue to turn around me, as I remain in one place, one foot stuck in the mud as everyone goes about their lives.

The doors shut, the cars drive away, the bus rumbles down the street, and then…nothing. The stark, slap you in the face, deafening silence.

Nothing screams louder than silence.

What if people knew that I both need and am petrified of silence? 

When it is silent, there is nothing to crowd out the blaring cacophony of my mind.

In August, Mr. RestartingMyHardDrive and I welcomed our first puppy. 

(Yes you read that right. The same puppy I have been working on for all ELEVEN years of our relationship…and they say New Englanders are the stubborn ones.)

Alfie is a ball of fluffy happiness, and the most loyal and constantly exuberant companion. He gets me out of the house and into the world, and is the very best little fur-child (even when he is chewing on the wall...and my shoes...and the file cabinet...). He is exhausting and wonderful and makes us laugh every day.

So…why do I still feel…behind?

Can I be both intensely grateful for the incredible gifts of my life, and at the same time…just okay?

(No but really, he will stop chewing someday...right?)

It feels so complicated to be simultaneously the person who shoves iPhone photos of her dog in peoples’ faces without them asking (sorrynotsorry) and the person who eats lunch alone everyday, reading a cooking magazine propped up on a cookbook stand to fill the empty void. 

Am I just one big paradox?

Motivated but distracted.

Restless but exhausted.

Together but alone.

Head in the stars, but feet stuck in the mud.

You can see now, semi-blank page, why I’ve stayed away.

I have so many questions, and so few answers. 

Maybe. 

Do you think my lack of answers, is the answer?

Is it that I just need to keep asking these questions, and swimming swimming swimming in search of more than “just okay?”

Aren't I far too much of a dreamer to believe that this is it, that I just stay here in the same spot and let everything pass me by?

And furthermore, don’t I get to choose?

Is this all a grand invitation from the universe to face down my demons and dig deeper and allow the next phase of my life to show up?

What if I put it out there into the universe that I'm ready for a change??

What would happen?

I know…I KNOW.

The relentless monkey chatter of my mind has extensive opinions on the matter.

But this choice is mine, and does not belong to those monkeys. I owe nothing to the monkeys. 

Aren't I wasting the gift of life if I believe and accept that “just okay” is it?

I am not willing to wave the white flag.

I am not willing to forever and ever be “just okay.”

I know...I think I've always known. It just feels awfully bare and vulnerable out there in the open.

It may be days and it may be years and it may take many more pumpkin-spice themed Octobers of deafening silence.

But when the time is right, I will be here on the sidelines. I will be ready. 

In the meantime, I guess I’ll keep swimming.

Still Looking for that Hidden Camera...

Have you ever had one of those moments where all you can do is wonder why no one is with you to see what you're seeing?

Ya know, the kind where you look left…look right…and expect to find out that my girl Ellen Degeneres is watching you on a hidden camera?

Representing the rare and unusual, I experience these moments A LOT.

For example, when the 94823084th doctor looks at you with a bewildered “I’ve never seen THAT before!” expecting you to be a) shocked and b) somewhat alarmed, and all you can think is “I wonder if I have time to grill my sweet potato for dinner tonight?”

Over the years I have shared nearly all of the “Billboard Top 25” ridiculous moments, but...I have a confession to make.

There is one moment…that may in fact be the very tippy-top of the list, that I didn’t share. 

One test from my good ol’ 2012 pilgrimage to Mayo, that I decided was just a wee bit too ridiculous to share.

(Except to my father, who laughed so hard in the waiting room, I felt the need to confirm the presence of his inhaler in his briefcase.)

I didn’t feel the need to share it, that is, until 4 years later, the test that I thought I would never ever ever ever have to think of again, was ordered by my doctor.

Let me assure you - I initially said no. 

In fact, I believe I laughed as if it was a joke.

But my new doctor promised it would be super helpful! and very diagnostic! and the start to better food consumption!

And let’s be honest, the promise of eating more than 10 things is like dangling a tennis ball in front of a retriever - absolutely impossible to ignore.

Now before we dive in further, I feel the need to provide a disclaimer.

People…I have extensive gastrointestinal dysmotility. In other words, my GI system is all kinds of dysfunctional from the very top to the very bottom. Over the years I have met with more doctors and had more GI tests than I can even begin to count, and as with most commonly repeated life events, what once seemed weird quickly becomes just another day.

I say this, because today I’m introducing you to the Anorectal Manometry…and that alone should give you a hint enough to know that if bathroom humor and being introduced to the inner workings of my colon is too much for you, allow me to suggest that you close the computer, grab a green juice and go for a stroll. No questions asked. 

….

As I was saying.

So, the anorectal manometry. So uncommon and unheard of, that Microsoft Word continues to insist that I am trying to spell something else.

As with most tests in the GI department, there is an element of preparation. This delightful little adventure involves not 1, but 2 enemas two hours prior to the test. 

Nothing says “good morning!” quite like a double enema at 4:45 AM, my friends. NOTHING. (Also notable, you can save a full dollar by purchasing the enema twin pack at Target!)

When you endure a GI test for the first time, you are blissfully unaware. You head back into the surgical suite completely in the dark of just how this whole transaction will occur.

The second time, however? You seriously question the sanity of the extremely chipper nurse who comes to retrieve you from the waiting room.

(The first time I had this test, my extremely attractive male nurse told me he would step outside while I dropped my pants. Oh how kind to step out of the room while I take off my yoga pants...and then come back into the room to very closely examine my bowel habits...)

After changing into a gown, and hearing the requisite “you’re too young to have a pacemaker!” and “but you look so healthy!” the show began when the nurse kindly instructed me to hold onto the bed so she could check my anatomy.

Friends, when one is instructed to brace with the bed, one should guess the check will involve more than “1 cheek, 2 cheek, hole, got it!”

All while telling me about her darling grandchild, a nurse wearing bright red lipstick checked my INTERNAL anatomy. So glad she made herself up for the occasion.

While desperately trying to distract myself from the situation DOWN THERE, I decide it’s a genius idea to take stock of the items on the prep tray.

This just in: TERRIBLE IDEA.

The items include, but are not limited to: 1 eighteen inch set of tubing in plastic wrap, 1 bag of balloons, and 1 extra large tube of KY Jelly.

[Braces bed with more fortitude]

Shortly thereafter, aforementioned 18 inch tube goes exactly where you are guessing it does. AND THEY LEAVE IT THERE.

At this point, my red lipstick friend switches spots with another poor soul who has been relegated to the world of the anorectal manometry….who proceeds to lead me in a long series of repetitions of “SQUEEZE 2 3 4 5!” and “PUSH 2 3 4 5!”

Guys. I’m doing calisthenics with my RECTUM.

At this point, I again dare to look around for distraction and notice that my red-lipstick pal has her shiny gold-cased phone out, all aimed in the direction of my extraordinarily bare bottom half. So I do the completely logical thing and assume that she is taking photos…until I realize she has the stopwatch feature up and is using her gold-clad telephone to time my rectal calisthenics. I’m not sure which is more jarring.

At this point, you’re probably thinking “Ok, it has to be almost over, this can’t possibly get worse!” and I will admit, I was right there with you the first time. 

Just when you are thinking they must be wrapping up and about to send me on my merry way, they instead whip out a giant syringe full of saline. Remember that balloon from my perusal of the prep tray? 

Yep. 

Before I can even begin to mentally prepare myself for the next phase of this life altering experience, 18 inches of tubing is removed, a balloon is attached to the bottom, and 18 inches is reinserted. Now I feel it’s important to note that I requested a funfetti balloon. If I am going to produce a balloon from the inner reaches of my colon, it had better say “Congratulations” and be full of confetti. I do not think this is too much to ask. 

I was denied.

Alas, the balloon was yellow. Lame. 

Once the decidedly non-confetti containing balloon is no longer on the outside of my body, the previously mentioned syringe of saline decides to join the colon party and they fill up the balloon. 

They fill up a balloon. Inside my intestine. And then attach a rubber tube to it. And tie on a weight.

True. Story. 

I am, at this point, instructed to head to the attached bathroom for a more “natural experience.” I am now completely naked, with a flimsy hospital gown half covering the front of my body and about 12 inches of rubber tubing and a weight hanging out of my backside, attempting to walk across the room to the bathroom.

Never. Looked. Better.

I am firmly instructed to drop said weight into the toilet, sit, and let them know when I’m “in position.”

After I nervously share that I am, in fact, in position, three words are yelled through the bathroom door:

“READY

SET 

GO!”

At this point, my main objective is push out the balloon. That is attached to a weighted tail. In my rectum.

It is absolutely crucial that I make sure you understand that this is a TIMED test. For a full two minutes, likely timed on the shiny gold phone, my two newest pals are directly outside of the bathroom door yelling “GO LYDIA!!!!,” “PUSH!!!!! PUSH!!!!!!” and “YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!”

People. I had balloon-pooping cheerleaders. 

If only I brought pom-poms.

I am now sitting on a toilet at Hopkins, mostly naked, with a weighted tail hanging out of me, literally sweating and red in the face when I hear a dejected “times up” from outside the door.

Sooooo…

Not only did someone stick a yellow balloon into my rectum, but that yellow balloon is now STUCK in my rectum. And seeing as the yellow balloon is attached to a weighted tail that ends in the toilet, I am now also STUCK on the toilet. 

Ummm….sooooo….

Apparently my bestest red-lipstick-clad pal drew the short straw of opening the door, where she then directed me to lean forward while she “retrieved” the not at all congratulatory balloon. While untying (yes, untying) the balloon inside of my backside, I receive a muffled, “Well I guess you know you failed that part!”

Yea. 

Got it, thanks.

Several weeks later, when I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor (who, I may remind you, had promised me all things diagnostic! and helpful! and more food!) I was quite thrilled to head to the patient rooms, and NOT the surgical suite…but I sat with tightly crossed legs, just in case.

I listened as the doctor started reading off the different numbers and pressure readings and speed of my rectal calisthenics, waiting patiently for her to mention when I can go dive into some chips and salsa, and instead I hear;

“Well, what's interesting is we don’t really know what this means!”

Interesting. 
Is that so.

In other news, while filling out the payment portion of my not one, not two, but THREE day stool test (another part of the super helpful! diagnostic! more food! plan) I notice the cost of the test is about 6 times what I was told it would be. Thinking there must be a mistake, I call the diagnostic company to inquire about the cost of the three day "box o' my bowels" residing behind the spinach in my refrigerator. 

A very kind, Southern woman patiently explains to me that my insurance company decided not to cover the test...but if I’m unable to pay the full price at this time, I can place it on layaway!

Layaway. 

For my stool sample. 

Ellen? Are you there?!?