Adding a little color

Since my confirmation of gastroparesis in April, I have been on a mission to improve my diet. As a complete health nut, spending over a year eating mostly white carbohydrates and sugar was more than long enough, and I am ready to have some color back in my diet (and no, the variety pack of gummy bears doesn't count...rats). As I have embarked upon this giant scavenger hunt, I keep reluctantly returning to one staple ingredient: baby food. Yes friends, despite the fact that I am now closer to 50 than I am to infancy, I can't seem to escape the miniature jars of puree.

I do a pretty decent job of incorporating fruit into my diet with applesauce and smoothies, but veggies are another matter. I do make a mean green smoothie, but even that gets old after awhile and I have finally come to terms with the fact that carrot juice and I are just NOT meant to be friends...which leads me back to the little jars. I mean, if you think about it, at one point in time, the green goop in the jar really was fresh, ripe peas off the vine...right?

Let me assure you that I cannot eat the stuff right out of the jar. I mean, I haven't completely lost ALL of my dignity (ya know, just 99.9% or so). However...apple-carrot puree in yogurt? Pureed spinach on toast? Either they are really not that bad, or my taste buds are really that much out of practice. (More likely the latter, based on my husband's terrified expressions, but I choose not to analyze.) Oh and a note to my future children: If you ever look back and read this post, feel free to thank me for completely taste-testing the entire organic baby food section of the grocery store. I promise I will never feed you sweet pea and potato. It's disgusting. Smooches.

In any event, my quest for color has taken me galavanting around to several grocery stores this week, which has provided for some, well, colorful commentary.

Take, for example, my first trip to Safeway:

Check out lady (eyeing my basket full of miniature jars): "Oh! How old is your little one?"

(See, if I was smart, this is where I would say "6 months!" or however old kids are when they start electively eating green goop, but alas, no such luck.)


Me: "Oh, actually they are for me. I have some pretty strict dietary restrictions."

Check out lady: "Oh...well...that's kind of a weird fetish, but whatever makes you happy!"

Me: "Um...right?"


Moving on, I took a trip to Wegmans later in the week:

Teenage bagger: "WOW! Is that a feeding tube?! I've never seen one before, that is SO cool!!!"

Me: "Um...thanks?"

(I mean, I don't want to deny myself a compliment, and he could have been reacting to my overwhelming celebrity status I suppose...)




Last, but not least, no scavenger hunt of any kind is complete without a trip to Target:

Check out lady: "Hi, did you find everything you needed today?"

Me: "Yes, thanks so much."

[Cue loud and obnoxious beeping alarm that causes every single person in the check out area of Target to jump, turn and stare at me. The security guard appears and heads my way.]

(Again, if I was smart, I would calmly turn off my tube alarm and proceed as if nothing happened. Instead, I feel the need to state the exact cause of the problem.)


Me: "Oops, nothing to worry about, it's just an air bubble!"

(Right, because clearly the general public knows exactly how feeding tubes work)


[Cue increase in terrified expressions that someone could actually have alarm-inducing flatulence.]

Me: "I mean in my tube! My feeding tube! The bubble is IN the tube!" (and other such panicked ramblings)

Security Guard: "Everything ok here ma'am?"

Me: "Yes sir, everything is fine. My feeding tube alarm just went off."

Security Guard: "I see." (But just to be sure, I'll follow you down the aisle and out the door. I mean, can't be too sure with those suspicious looking tube-feeders.)


Fear not, my jars and I made it home just fine.

According to the package, I can start incorporating the vegetable puree into my diet when I am sitting independently and showing excitement when presented with food.

Gerber, a word with you about that excitement part?