Moving Forward

My friends, it has been a whirlwind, but productive, couple of days here at the Mayo Clinic. Yesterday I had appointments/procedures at 6:45, 8:00, 11:00, 11:30, 2:00, 2:30 and 3:30. Needless to say, I am sporting the "I may or may not have been run over by a truck" look today. Super glam.

I could bore you to tears with details about the IV drama (3 tries) and the blow torching of my belly button (um...ow), but you've all heard them before and they really mask the heart of the matter at hand here. The truth is, I got confirmation of what my body has been telling me and I have known deep down all of this time. My gastroparesis was never gone. The gastric emptying test I had in January was a false negative. An unfortunate fluke. And honestly, I have to tell you...I am relieved.

I know that may sound odd, and you may be questioning just how much anesthesia I received yesterday, but it's the truth. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. For months, I have been arduously persevering as I have tried new foods and over and over and over again, I failed. Foods that shouldn't be problematic have caused huge problems and I recently had to go back to all liquids in a desperate attempt to restart my system. I couldn't understand why I was trying so hard and continually failing. My self esteem was at an all time low and I have to admit that I was really starting to question my sanity.

Now I can stop all of that. I can accept what has happened to my body and move on. If I don't want to eat something, I don't have to. I don't have to spend my days forcing myself to eat food that makes me sick over and over and over again. I have both visceral hypersensitivity and gastroparesis, which means that even foods that are "gastroparesis friendly" will often cause problems...a combination that is likely going to lead to a new area of research in the GI department at Mayo. According to my stomach, it doesn't matter what food it is...my body just doesn't want it there. But with that double whammy of gastric hot mess-ness comes the freedom to really eat anything I want. If I want to try something, I can, because some days it might be fine. Likewise, if I feel miserable and just want to have nutritious liquids for a week, that is ok too. The choice is mine and I no longer have to feel like a failure when something as innocuous as soy milk sends me sprinting across the grocery store to the bathroom.

Above all, I can stop searching for a miracle cure that just does not exist.

My life has been on the pause button for far too long and I am ready to hit play. Yes, I have gastroparesis. Yes, I am now forced to make some huge, terrifying life changes, and that leaves me both broken-hearted and hopeful. But who is to say that having a virus cause holy havoc in my body isn't the best thing to ever happen to me? I may not see the reason now, but I know I will someday (ya know, besides the obvious increase in celebrity status and gummy bear consumption.) I may get better tomorrow or in ten years. I may live the rest of my life with gastroparesis, there is just no way to know, but I am finished waiting around and missing out on my life.

I have gastroparesis.
I'm going to be just fine.