Arnold said it best...

With respect to Arnold Schwarzenegger...

"It's not a tumah"

Ok fine, technically it is still a tumor, but you can't hear the word "tumor" and NOT take the opportunity to quote Kindergarten Cop. I mean, come on.

More importantly, it's not a malignant tumor.

I went in for my needle biopsy with ultrasound this afternoon. I wouldn't rank the experience as something I would like to repeat, but it certainly could have been worse. First I met the pathologist and radiologist who admired my "largely heterogeneous" thyroid via ultrasound (hey, I'm just trying to diversify the place). Then they asked me if I was ready, did their needle thing and left me for the five longest minutes of my life to determine the adjective that would describe my tumor.

Sidenote: Why, oh why, do medical professionals insist on asking if you are ready or even worse, why do they break out the backwards counting? I mean, come on, no one will ever be willingly ready for a giant needle to plunge into his/her neck. So please, I beg of you, don't count or feel the need to assess my preparedness. If I'm lying on the table, I know what's coming. Smooches!


So I lay on the table applying pressure to my neck and waiting for the pathologist to return. Five excruciating minutes later, he opened the door and said, "It looks benign."

He said some other things too about inflammation and good gracious Graves disease...but I was just hanging on the word BENIGN.

Now, I have to be honest friends. I am, obviously, relieved beyond compare that I don't have cancer...but there is also a heavy sense of guilt. How did I get so lucky when countless fabulously wonderful deserving people are not given similar news? I feel a bit like I cheated on a test and got away with it.

Yes, I've spent the last two days worrying my face off (but trying to pretend that I wasn't) and researching treatments for thyroid cancer. Sure, it hasn't been what I would call enjoyable...but it was only two days. People spend YEARS with that worry and I want to take a moment to honor their strength and perseverance.

In any event, my darling thyroid is not exactly attractive-it has been causing major problems, and growing Timmy the Tumor didn't help its reputation...so it is likely going to be given a permanent time-out shortly. My growing fan base in Minnesota has requested a return trip, so I will be heading out to Mayo in a little over a week for some deep cleansing (new feeding tube), cocktails (anesthesia), social events (doctors appointments) and likely, some body art (thyroid surgery). What a vacation!

Fear not Mayo, again Arnold says it best, "I'll be back."