Ladies and gentlemen, big news.
I am no longer donning the little black backpack and I will no longer get escorted out of Target for my overly sensitive pump alarm. Alert the paparazzi, fashion trends are about to change.
Did I get rid of the feeding tube????
No.
Puhlease, you'd read about THAT kind of news in the Post.
I did, however, get an upgrade.
Instead of a transgastric jejunostomy tube, I now have a low profile gastric tube.
In other words, instead of having a frontal tail, I now look like an inflatable beach ball.
Totally. Normal.
In an effort to force the nervous system in my stomach into submission, my medical team decided to do as much as we can to mimic "normal eating." So instead of carrying around a backpack full of formula that feeds me continuously throughout the day (wait, you don't do that?), I now have scheduled "snacks" that I syringe into my little port a few times a day. These "snacks" go directly into my stomach, whereas my old tube bypassed the stomach and went to the intestine.
The idea is that eventually my stomach will accept the feedings and then someday grow to expect them...at which point I will begin gradually replacing the "snacks" with actual food. Always the one to look for the checklist and/or timeline, I was told "about a year or so" which is both a painfully long and overwhelmingly short amount of time all at the same moment.
Pro? No backpack, no pump and no frontal tail. Duh.
Con? You think my stomach doesn't want food? Try a few inches of plastic and processed, pre-digested formula that came from a can...doesn't go so well.
So, as you can see, it's a work in verrrryyyyy sloooowwww progress.
I am working on 2 teaspoons right now kind of slow progress.
Time to bust out the patient pants.
In other news, it has been exactly one week since the formal eviction of my thyroid and I'm told that everything is moving along swimmingly.
Ya know, the "a doctor cut out the decision maker in your body so it has absolutely no clue what is going on and is doing its absolute best to make educated guesses about the rate and efficiency of most processes in your body" kind of swimmingly. Again, totally. normal.
I am able to move my neck a bit more every day and although it feels like someone is strangling me when I swallow, I'm told that will go away in a few months. My ninja scar is healing nicely into the shape of a smile, which I find rather fitting, seeing as I am big fan of a smile and all.
In a few weeks I will have some additional tests done to see if there is still cancer present in my body. If it comes back negative, then I will just have to repeat the test every couple of months and, along with my doctor, be extremely vigilant about checking for any unusual lumps or bumps.
Obviously if the test comes back positive, then I will have to do treatment, most likely only radiation.
Fingers very much crossed.
I am also happy to report that this is the first time in almost 2 years that I don't have any scheduled surgeries looming on the horizon. My new tube will just involve a lengthy office visit every three months and, more importantly, no anesthesia. Even if my doctor does find more cancer in my body, it likely would not involve surgery and (please don't let this jinx it) all other organs seem to be working efficiently enough for the time being. Whew.
It's a bizarrely liberating feeling and I honestly can't remember the last time that I didn't have to make a disclaimer of "I just had surgery" before engaging in a normal task or trying a new activity. It has been a long time since I have been able to just get up and go and even the fleeting idea of a time with no post-surgical restrictions makes me want to jump up and run a marathon, or bike across the country or something equally as crazy, ya know, jump in a lake or something!
But...let's not get ahead of ourselves.
After all, I just had surgery.
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