So...now what?

Well friends, tomorrow I head back to Mayo (ya know, just in case I missed it during the WEEK since we last parted) and I have to tell you...instead of being nervous, I just have a giant case of deja vu.

Sidenote: Can I still call it deja vu if I'm repeating for the 5th or 6th time? Hmmm.

This routine of prepping for surgery, flying out to Mayo, going through surgery, dealing with the recovery and heading home has just become so second nature to me, and that in and of itself, is a bit unsettling. It's a running joke with my husband that every time I'm finally able to lift the groceries, I have another surgery and have to go back on lifting restrictions.

On the other hand, I don't necessarily consider it a bad thing that I haven't lifted a grocery bag since November. So ya know, sunny side to every situation!

In any event, this thyroid surgery in particular, has been coming for such a long time and more than anything else, I just want it behind me. Yet at the same time, I am absolutely terrified of what is on the other side of this surgery. There is so much hope riding on one little butterfly-shaped organ and I fear that I am setting myself up for disappointment. My fingers and toes have been crossed for weeks that this is the surgery that is going to make the difference. This surgery will finally show me what to do with my life.

And yes, I'm aware that the chance of an eviction of my thyroid directing me in how to lead my life is pretty slim...hence I think I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Hey, at least I'll be prepared.

Throughout this entire journey, there have been plenty of gifts, one of which is that I've learned so much about myself and how I handle obstacles. I have learned how I best process new information and I've learned how to assimilate to the ever changing chaos in my life. I've learned how to channel my emotions...and when it's time to throw in the towel and head out for fro yo.

I have also learned that I like to follow directions. To a T.

Give me a list? I'm all over it.

Highlight the important information? Consider it done.

But ask me to recover with absolutely no "to-do" list? Struggles.

If someone could definitively tell me that the obstacles I face now will be life long, I would accept it and make the necessary changes to take my life off of the pause button. Or, in contrast, if someone could hand me a list and tell me that when all items are checked off, I will be well enough to return to work, then I would plunk that list center stage on the fridge and get cracking.

But unfortunately, there is no to-do list and there is absolutely no sense of time.

So...now what? How do I know what to do next? I could be "better" tomorrow or in ten years or never.

I've made it no secret that I desperately want to return to teaching. However, I am also fully aware that teaching is an all or nothing job and I adamantly refuse to be in a position where I can't give my students my absolute best. That's just not fair for anyone involved.

Hence you can see my heartfelt desire for a Harry Potter moment where Hedwig the owl brings me a letter that details the direction of my life henceforth.

On the other hand, I'm going to be on a lot of drugs post-surgery, so it could still happen!

Short of my own personal owl appearing with a bundle of letters, I think for now that I continue to wait. I have learned that life is best digested one bite at a time(ok yes, I couldn't resist a metaphor involving gastric function), so this week I will bite off surgery and then go from there. Tomorrow I'll fly to Mayo, I'll have surgery on Wednesday, will be in the hospital for 2 days and then fly home on Friday. Oh, and somewhere in there I will have repeat feeding tube surgery because my brand spanking new one decided to kink...ya know, just to spice it up.

At least this time, it didn't involve an airport bathroom explosion, so I've got that going for me.

In other news, I'm accepting applications for the most fabulous story that I can tell with not 1, but 2 scars on my neck. 4th grade teacher turned ninja?