Getting mad...on purpose?

So I'm guessing the title of my blog seems a bit bizarre...to be honest, it's weird for me too. I'm an optimist to a fault. Looking for someone to crack jokes during awkward moments? I'm your girl. Searching for the sunny side of a really rather undesirable situation? Give me a call. Got a feeding tube? Break out the bedazzler! In light of my recent health situation, I feel incredibly grateful and lucky. Sure, I got sick and it certainly wasn't anything on my bucket list, but bless the Lord, it's not terminal and life goes on. So what's to complain about? I have a loving husband and family, wonderful friends, a roof over my head and food to eat (well...drink).

But all that being said, lately I just really can't seem to shake this feeling of being stuck. I have, for the most part, accepted all of the changes that have come into my life over the past year and just kind of rolled with them. I had no control over the situation, so I embraced the chaos and laughed through it. That all worked just fine as I went in and out of the hospital, spent endless weeks in Rochester, Baltimore and Philadelphia and served as a human pincushion. Now that I'm finally home with a diagnosis, however, I have learned that there is one gigantic exception to my optimism rule. My job.

The truth is that I love my job. I love to learn and I love love love getting my students excited about learning too. Few things excite me more than when I see the telltale spark of enthusiasm on the faces of my students, or when a struggling student realizes how much I believe in them and they start seeing their true potential. I love teaching my students to take responsibility for their own actions and to realize just how much of an impact they have on others. I know, I know...all sounds so cliche, but I have to admit that it's true. Sure, I get tired and stressed at my job, it's certainly not easy, but that doesn't mean that underneath all of the stress and chaos, there isn't a true love and devotion to teaching.

But right now, I can't do my job. I don't know if I'll be able to do my job tomorrow, next month or even next year. I might wake up next week and feel 100% better, but I just don't know. And ya know what? I'm pretty sad about it.

Let me take a moment to share that I generally run from anger and sadness. Literally and metaphorically. My go-to stress reliever for years has been to lace up my sneakers and go for a good run. Even in the deepest, darkest moments of grief in my life, I have pushed aside the sadness, sought out distractions and moved on with my life. Sidenote: I am by no means advertising this coping mechanism, I actually don't recommend it because it comes back to bite you...but alas, it's what I do. My number one stressor is when I know someone is unhappy, anxious, angry or generally stressed themselves...and I can't fix it.

So apply this all to my life now...I can't run from it literally, because I'm still working on the whole walking for more than 20 minutes thing. I can't run from it metaphorically because, well, frankly I have run out of cabinets to clean, I spend most of the day alone and the whole concept of cooking away stress is kind of lost when you can't actually eat your creations.

So this time in my life, I am forced to face it. Face that despite the intense guilt that I shouldn't be feeling angry and sad at all, I still do, and I have finally realized that this guilt needs to go. Until I get rid of the guilt, I can't move on and I desperately need to move on.

A good friend reminded me of one of the most moving and thought provoking stories I have ever read.
You can read a copy here:
Welcome to Holland
I have a copy of this story taped inside my desk at work and I refer to it often. I had not, however, ever thought to apply it to myself and my current situation. The truth is that I did not plan to arrive in Holland this year. In fact, Holland wasn't even a thought in the back of my mind.


"And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss." 

Until my dear friend stated the obvious to me, that despite the gifts I have gained throughout this journey, I have still lost a part of the life I had planned and imagined, I had never even thought about the notion that it might actually be ok for me to be a smidgeon sad. Even that fleeting thought felt oddly liberating.

This journey has taught me more than I could have ever imagined. On the one year anniversary of my hard drive crash, I wrote about being grateful and I meant every word I said. But now I can add one more life lesson to the extensive list that I have collected over this journey. I can add that it's ok to acknowledge what you have lost, in addition to what you have gained.

So my goal for this week, in addition to pureed blueberries and strained tomato sauce, is to let myself get mad and even a little sad. I'm not going to lie, even as I write this, I am fighting the natural desire to perk myself up, put a smile on my face and find a positive. There are lots of positives and I have, and will continue to, acknowledge them. But for today, and maybe even tomorrow, I'm going to let myself be sad that I'm not in my classroom. I miss my coworkers, my students and my school community and I really miss teaching.

It is what it is and in a few days I will put a smile on my face, continue cracking awkward jokes and finding the sunny side, but for today, I'm going to take a deep breath and face the facts. As my dear friend reminded me, it's ok to be sad.