The New Normal

So friends, allow me to address the GIANT elephant in the room:

What now? 


The honest answer, friends?
I haven't a clue.


My life has changed in ways that I never imagined possible and now, for better and for worse, I need to figure out just how to make it all work. Yesterday I turned 29, and I've decided that my gift to myself is the ability to move forward. I know what you're thinking, a) that's a crappy gift and b) man, I really thought it was going to be a pony. But...it's ok, because the truth is that I HAVE to move forward and if telling myself that it's a birthday present does the trick, then so be it. I've been noodling all of these thoughts and emotions (yes, noodling is definitely a verb) for awhile and last night at my birthday dinner, a good friend finally titled what I just couldn't seem to find the words for: I need to find my new normal.

When I was out at Mayo, several doctors asked me about my typical, normal day. I replied that I got up at 5:30, got to work by 7:15, left work around 4:30, made my lunch for the next day and got my clothes out, went to the gym, made and ate dinner with my husband, took a shower and went to bed...rinse and repeat five times before I collapsed in a heap on Friday night.

My typical day now couldn't be more different. The medicine I take to attempt to settle my stomach doesn't really seem to do anything for my stomach, but it does give me the blissful ability to sleep. As in, I go to bed at 10:00 and drag myself out of bed at 8:30 kind of sleep. As in, when I get up to turn off my feeding tube at 4:30, I have to hold onto the bed so I don't fall over kind of sleep. Heaven help me if I had to get up at 5:30, because I honestly don't think my eyes would open. So, while it's sort of amazing that I only wake up once or twice a night now and my body probably needs the sleep, my ability to do anything productive in the morning is kind of shot. I do my morning stretches to remind my blood to flow and muscles to move (details, details), and then I go to work as the owner and CEO of Lydia's Caloric Intake and Physical Rehabilitation Inc. I literally spend my day trying new foods (dealing with the consequences), counting calories, doing my physical therapy strength and conditioning program and trying to convince my brain that food and blood flow are two wonderful things. I try to schedule at least one thing every day to get me out of the house and most of all, I attempt to keep my active, busy-minded self from doing too much. Not a simple task my friends. If I sit while cleaning out my file drawer, that still counts as resting...right? (As you can see, this whole resting business is still a work in progress...).


One of my biggest obstacles is that I look fine. I know, weird obstacle right? When I looked like skeletor, I was exhausted all the time and there wasn't a chance of me doing too much. Now, 12 pounds heavier, I look healthier (duh, I have smushy cheeks) and I have more energy...which is great, but it gets me into trouble. Yesterday I went for a walk, met a friend at Starbucks AND went out to dinner...which resulted in a fever and complete stomach resistance today.

However...my birthday gift is to move forward, so instead of getting frustrated that I did too much yesterday and was sick today...I'm going to roll with it. It's my new normal.

At Mayo, I saw a framed manuscript that said "We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." The truth is that as much I try to analyze and plan, I don't know when I'll be able to go back to work. I don't know when I'll get back to running and horseback riding and I don't know if I'll ever go out to dinner and not have to critically analyze my meal choice. I could dwell on my new limitations and boundaries, or I could take a deep breath and embrace the chaos. Doors have closed, but doors have also opened and I'm on board to see what lies ahead.