Cheeks

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to discuss something near and dear to my…well…nose. I’d like to discuss my cheeks. Yes, the ones on your face.

See, here’s the thing. When I lost 30 pounds, my cheeks disappeared. My body figured that if I wasn’t eating anything, I probably didn’t need an expansive feeding area, so my cheeks downsized and went on vacation.

But, now they are back, or at least, starting to return. Which is all well and good…right?

In December, I took our wedding photo to Michaels to be framed. I chatted with the salesperson for a bit, chose my frame and glass and went on my merry way, expecting to pick the framed masterpiece up in a few weeks. Oops...slight unexpected detour to Minnesota.

I went this week to finally pick up the poor forgotten frame, and the salesperson, with whom I’ve spoken to once…for five minutes…in December…felt the need to share his observations.

“Ohhh! You are here to pick up photo! You leave here long time.”

“Yes, sorry about that. I’ve had some health issues so I’ve been out of the area.”

“Oh yes, I can see. But your cheeks! They are almost all plump and smushy again like in wedding photo!”

“Oh…um…yes, I suppose they are?”

Ok, a) I was unaware that it was normal social interaction to comment on someone’s cheek size and b) I’m not sure how I feel about the desirability of smushy cheeks, especially now that said smushy cheeks are professionally framed and hanging on my wall for all of eternity. Apparently I am behind the 8 ball on both cheek size social cues AND smushy cheek prestige. Fabulous.

So gaining weight on purpose is weird. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that “failure to thrive” is not the ideal commentary for a 28 year old female, but in the day and age of fat-free everything and fad diets, it’s bizarre to do this on purpose…especially for someone who was already a health nut. For those of you emitting sighs of jealousy that I’m gaining weight on purpose, let me assure you that the “huge fat smushy cheeked cow busting out of her clothes” feeling doesn’t change if you happen to be a somewhat runt cow to begin with...ya know, just so we're clear here. 

Currently, I’m allowed to self-monitor how much formula goes in my feeding tube based on how many calories I eat during the day and how much I exercise. Typically later in the evening I’ll add up the calories for the day and prepare the formula accordingly…but lately I’ve been trying to pack more in after I do the daily round up, so I can use less formula. Downing a giant glass of chocolate almond milk before I go to bed is a TOTALLY healthy sleep habit, right? I’m sure the sugar content there is minimal…eek. 

But I digress. Cheeks. Yesterday I happily reunited with a good friend and her two fabulous girls, one of whom has AMAZING cheeks. I mean, we are talking plump, perfectly round and oh so squeezable. You can't look at this little rock star and NOT comment on her cheeks. I’d like to add, at this point, that these fabulously desirable cheeks belong to a miniature person who has yet to turn 1 and I am, in fact, about to turn 29. Details.

Whatever. Celebrities set the stage and my agents have been absolutely hounding me to make a public statement since my arrival back on the east coast. So, here it is.

Cheeks are in, the smushier, the better.

Eat your heart out Vanity Fair.