Ladies and Gentlemen, with respect to Steig Larsson, I'd like to introduce the next (significantly less gruesome and terrifying) novel in the series, The Girl with the Miniature Backpack. The novel stars a girl in her late 20's who, due solely to vanity, has avoided using her feeding tube during the day in favor of sleeping in a frozen position at night so the IV pole does not come crashing down on her head. After her progress with learning to eat again moves significantly backwards, the girl decides to step up to the plate, switch to day time feedings and begin sporting the miniature backpack. The novel documents her trials and tribulations as she climbs semi-patiently to the top of Mount Ilovefoodandwanttoeat and conquers the gastronomic world!
Ok, so maybe this didn't make the New York Times best seller list, and maybe I'm slightly more socially aware than Lisbeth Salander...but hey, it could be a hit!
So, the backpack. It holds my IV bag and feeding pump and the very end of the IV tubing snakes out the bottom to connect to my feeding tube at my stomach. VERY glamourous, I can assure you. The theory behind doing my feedings during the day is that my body, and more specifically my digestive system, is never at rest. I eat by mouth during the day and by tube at night. Allow me to share a comparative pro/con list:
Pro:
-Need a place to stash your keys? Never fear, I have a backpack.
-Want to go on an impromptu hike? I'm ready.
-Out with your hungry baby and run out of formula? Don't fret! I'll hook you up.
-I slept through the night for the first time in over a year!
-Just about every employee at the grocery store offers to help you get your single bag of almond milk and egg whites to the car.
Con:
-Small, protruding objects, such as doorknobs, refrigerator handles and parking brakes are suddenly rather problematic
-I'm attached to a backpack that was created for your average 1st grader for 9-10 hours a day.
-Ok, so maybe it only weighs about 5 pounds, but after awhile, I swear the thing gets heavier.
-When the tubing gets kinked, the alarm goes off...a feeding pump does not have a vibrate option and ONLY goes off during quiet moments when EVERYONE can stare at you.
-No, I didn't pee my pants, my feeding tube is leaking...I swear...
So, it's not exactly my favorite thing in the world, but getting to sleep through the night for the first time in over a year was really kind of fantastic. I really am rather embarrassed to admit that the only thing holding me back from trying this a long time ago was my vanity...and seeing as I spend most of my days in yoga pants and a fleece, there really wasn't much left to lose. Plus, nerd that I am, the backpack has given me the opportunity to do a bit of a social experiment. It has been interesting to see who notices, who doesn't, and how the ones that notice react.
I'm thinking that I could add a new element to my experiment by bedazzling the backpack. Something along the lines of pink rhinestones that spell JUICY across the front? Or perhaps Coach can start a new line of feeding pump backpacks?
Man, my agents are so lucky that I am such a trendsetter.
You are cracking me up!!! Start writing the book, every person with GP can sell it as their own story. I love you in your fleece and sweatpants, isn't that our uniform? AND the bag does weigh more at the end of the day. I've been using my over-priced brain full of physics knowledge to figure how there can be less liquid present at the end of the day yet weigh more? Tell me if you find the answer, until then keep writing about every else so everyone can be jealous of our glamorous lifestyle.
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