Exploring new territory

Last fall, I purchased a Living Social coupon to try out a new acupuncture facility in Arlington. I had heard great things about acupuncture and I always wanted to try it. I think we can all agree that modern pharmaceuticals and I aren't generally BFF, so it was perfect timing to try some alternative therapies.

Fast forward a few months (I got a little busy being on tour in the midwest...such a demanding life as a celebrity) and last week I realized my coupon was about to expire. I made an appointment and yesterday went for my very first acupuncture session. The very kind receptionist had asked me to fill out the medical forms online and bring them with me to my appointment. I carefully filled out the forms, kept the information as concise as possible without eliminating major details and calmly handed them to my acupuncturist when she called me back.

**Glances down at list**
"Ma'am there are too many items on this list for acupuncture session. Why is this list so long?"


"Oh, um, well I've had a bit of a health crisis over the last year or so, but I'm working on it."


"You say you got virus? Why? Did you not wash hands?"


"Well ma'am, I'm a teacher, so I wash my hands about 300 times a day, but sometimes it is unavoidable."


"You be more careful next time, yes? Too many things on list, please choose one area to address."


"Oh, um, ok, why don't we focus on circulation, I've read great articles about acupuncture and circulation."


"No, we will focus on pain today, so I will work your neck and shoulders. Please remove your clothes."


"Um...okay?"

After I awkwardly stripped and received a disapproving "tsk" sound directed towards my feeding tube, I lay down on my side on the table. She asked me if I had ever done acupuncture before and I replied that I hadn't, expecting some sort of "what to expect when you're expecting needles by the dozens" spiel. Approximately 10 seconds later, the needles came out and I found out for myself what to expect. Now, I wouldn't say that acupuncture is painless, as the brochures suggest. That being said, someone with hypersensitive nerves probably hasn't earned the right to decide once and for all whether something typically hurts or not. It wasn't necessarily painful, more bizarrely irritating. After I had been poked and prodded for awhile, the woman turned on a heat lamp, instructed me to take deep breaths, turned out the light and left. Hmm...a forced nap under a heat lamp, eh? I could get used to this!

Small detail that every time I started to nod off, I would feel my body rolling backwards and I would snap back awake in fear of having several miniature needles permanently shoved into my body. I already set off every alarm possible in airport security, I don't need any extra help. I did, however, greatly enjoy the heat lamp and was sad when it went off after about 15 minutes. I suppose that's what she meant when she said something about hot/cold therapy. Sadface.

After about 30 minutes of "forced" nap time and relaxation, the acupuncturist removed the needles and told me to get dressed. She asked me to shrug my shoulders and turn my neck side to side. To my surprise, I could turn my neck farther than I have been able to in months! I'd say that's probably worth an hour of awkward semi-naked needle bonanzas.

Before leaving, my acupuncturist told me that next time we will work on circulation and showed me, on a poster, where she would place the needles. I thanked her for her time and started to leave.

"Oh and we will place several needles between eyes to get blood flowing to brain. Only about ten, not a lot."

Gulp.